Forbidden to remember; terrified to forget. [a closure]

"As much as I struggled not to think of him, I did not struggle to forget. I worried-late in the night, when the exhaustion of sleep deprivation broke down my defenses - that it was all slipping away. That my mind was a sieve, and I would someday not be able to remember the precise color ofhis eyes, the feel of his cool skin, or the texture of his voice. I could not think of them, but I must remember them.

Because there was just one thing that I had to believe to be able to live - I had to know that he existed. That was all. Everything else I could endure. So long as he existed." ~Bella, New Moon

This is exactly the way i feel right now. This is the worst that could have happened - for us to part ways, without a word. It hurts a lot deep within. Call me OA or exaggerated... but I, myself, am confused with what I feel right now. I thought it was just a mere admiration but my heart says it went deeper than that.

Now, the farewell part has to come, and it has to be instantaneous to leave as it came. There were no farewells at all actually, it was simply left like that - hanging - at least on my part... the sweet feeling became bittersweet and is now punishing me in agony. It is ridiculously hard to get over it.

From our one year of being enclosed in one classroom, it was both hard and easy to believe that we did not in any way, became close to one another. I'm afraid he's like a bubble, so nice to behold but in one touch of a thoughtless fingertip would pop and be gone forever. Now, my efforts of trying to hold on to him were simply futile. He slips away, and continues to get away from my grasp.

I have made up my mind however in these past few days, I decided that I have to keep myself occupied in order to distract my mind from thinking about him. It would work in 2 postive ways. First, I'd get this feeling to subside before June [college] comes. Since as one of my friends said - love/infatuation/whatever follows the law of impenetrability, w/c means my heart can never be empty, I have to exert an effort in making this feeling subside or calm down or be tamed anyhow.Second, I'd be able to flex my muscles and brain cells this summer for I look forward to a heavy-loaded summer - one with a blast! It's where I'm keeping my focus on, to be a better person and a more disciplined one after this vacation.

Ok, so I'll virtually end it here. All this crushing thing. I'd have to leave it here. It's a temporary closure though. I just want to get rid of thinking about him for the mean time -- it's like I'm keeping a very prized jewel on a locked treasure chest - still mine - but away from my sight and physical and mental consciousness.

I don't actually know if it would be my last entry here about him. Well, we'll still see. I confess, I hope not. But for the mean time... it's done.