I saw him. 12/17/08

I saw him.

After ages of not being able to see each other.

I saw him.

Just when I thought our pathways will never again cross,

I saw him.

I have never been able to utter a word when,

I saw him.

Would he even care to notice that

I saw him?

Could it be joy amidst the stars that I felt?
Or could it be dead stars that just flickered in my eyes when

I saw him?

Does he care?
Do I still care?

Had it done me any good to see him?

Mere coincidence? Divine intervention? What?

Why do I need to see him in the first place?


Now, Christmas season for me is bittersweet.

a poem to sum it up.

Just got this poem from a friend's blog. It was a composition of neither the two of us. She actually forgot the source where she found it. May the good author of this poem forgive me for posting it without due permission and information. Nevertheless, it's amazing <3



How's and Why's

How do I say goodbye to a love that never came
Admit inside that I only have myself to blame
How can I miss someone that I was never with
And wish someday that we may never meet

How do I lose someone that was never mine
And just pretend everything’s turning out fine
How do I leave someone who was never by my side
And cover up the bitterness that I’m trying to hide

Why do I stay afar as I quietly watch
Someone whom I could see but I can never touch
How do I end something before it even starts
When can I answer strange questions of the heart

Why must my teardrops fall for someone that was never sad to leave
And just accept the fact that he will never be mine no matter how much I give
How can I continue on despite knowing the cruel fact
No matter what I do he cannot love me back…

Oh yes.. Emoness attacks again. Don't worry, I'm not that desperate anymore. Promise. =)

what's up? +-+

Oh my notepad! Before anything else, I'd like to acknowledge the ever-patient and ever-present company of my notepad application in this pc. Without you, I can't imagine life being a blogger. Thank you! :D

Reversibrae

I never had given much thought on the way I'd die, nor when its gonna happen. Death seems to be a far entity for me. We've not yet faced each other in any occassion whatsoever.

But if ever I'd be able to choose my course of death, I guess it'd be this pain and deep confusion within me. There'd be no other sweeter way of killing me - but to leave me awestruck with the toxic that continuously creeps through my every bleeding vessel.

But instead of numbing me and leaving me lifeless, it continues to light the flame that burns through my senses and pumps me living amidst all circumstances. First I thought, it'd eventually subside, and then, I could experience life reincarnated. But then, it didn't. It continues to grow fiery more than ever, keeping my very soul and every sense awake - vigilant of its source.

I hate it to admit. But what can I do?

I can feel it, with every step, every nook.
I can see it, every corner where I look.
I can taste it, every piece and every bit.
I can smell it, every breath I try to keep.

I guess, though its my way of reversal death, it will also be the one that'd pace the rhythm of my heartbeat. It'll always be an injected part of my system. A system that would from now on be a stamp on my genes and an agent of my bloodstream. I think I would never be washed clean from it. But I don't consider it filth. Though its pain it is causing, it's an ordeal I have to go through while praying faithfully for a boon. A boon whose fulfilment is wandering on my vicious dreams. Dreams whose grant is certainly out-of-my-reach.

--wahaha,, emo-ness attack! That you've read is a unified construction of my stray thoughts while I look outside from the jeepney window on my way home.. :))--

--just letting thoughts out. t_t never mind.

+back again but not to perpetuate the usual score +

Hi there! It's been a while since my last post. I've currently been doping on things that would keep me busy this summer - things that would clear my thoughts of him at the same time occupy me with those I need for my own spiritual, mental, and emotional growth.

I am currently busy with church activities like the summer blast [a youth gospel explosion]. It is an event our church holds annually. Here, we go out to different places and districts in Metro Manila or nearby mission works to scour the vicinity of some lost souls to win. It is an activity we know and believe that glorifies God. Besides, I want to redeem the time and the opportunity to serve God this summer. I pray that the flame in me would not die out as soon as classes start. The flame to win more souls for Christ and to manifest a good testimony before men - that it may be ablazed more than ever.

It has been one of the crises I've gone through during the past school year. I was not able to share the gospel to my classmates and was not able to preserve my testimony for Christ. If ever I'd be regretting anything, I think that's it.

Nevertheless, I know God has His good plans for me. I know that His wisdom and control runs far beyond my incapacities and regrets - that He may glory in my weaknesses.

I do pray that I'd be of use to Him throughout college.

"To Him be glory both now and forever. Amen."

-Godspeed!-

P.S. Hey! Hey look! It's been exactly one month since my last entry. I'm glad I was able to recover so soon. I never thought it was that easy.. I just hope that it's not a temporary healing though. *cheers!*

Forbidden to remember; terrified to forget. [a closure]

"As much as I struggled not to think of him, I did not struggle to forget. I worried-late in the night, when the exhaustion of sleep deprivation broke down my defenses - that it was all slipping away. That my mind was a sieve, and I would someday not be able to remember the precise color ofhis eyes, the feel of his cool skin, or the texture of his voice. I could not think of them, but I must remember them.

Because there was just one thing that I had to believe to be able to live - I had to know that he existed. That was all. Everything else I could endure. So long as he existed." ~Bella, New Moon

This is exactly the way i feel right now. This is the worst that could have happened - for us to part ways, without a word. It hurts a lot deep within. Call me OA or exaggerated... but I, myself, am confused with what I feel right now. I thought it was just a mere admiration but my heart says it went deeper than that.

Now, the farewell part has to come, and it has to be instantaneous to leave as it came. There were no farewells at all actually, it was simply left like that - hanging - at least on my part... the sweet feeling became bittersweet and is now punishing me in agony. It is ridiculously hard to get over it.

From our one year of being enclosed in one classroom, it was both hard and easy to believe that we did not in any way, became close to one another. I'm afraid he's like a bubble, so nice to behold but in one touch of a thoughtless fingertip would pop and be gone forever. Now, my efforts of trying to hold on to him were simply futile. He slips away, and continues to get away from my grasp.

I have made up my mind however in these past few days, I decided that I have to keep myself occupied in order to distract my mind from thinking about him. It would work in 2 postive ways. First, I'd get this feeling to subside before June [college] comes. Since as one of my friends said - love/infatuation/whatever follows the law of impenetrability, w/c means my heart can never be empty, I have to exert an effort in making this feeling subside or calm down or be tamed anyhow.Second, I'd be able to flex my muscles and brain cells this summer for I look forward to a heavy-loaded summer - one with a blast! It's where I'm keeping my focus on, to be a better person and a more disciplined one after this vacation.

Ok, so I'll virtually end it here. All this crushing thing. I'd have to leave it here. It's a temporary closure though. I just want to get rid of thinking about him for the mean time -- it's like I'm keeping a very prized jewel on a locked treasure chest - still mine - but away from my sight and physical and mental consciousness.

I don't actually know if it would be my last entry here about him. Well, we'll still see. I confess, I hope not. But for the mean time... it's done.

+++Negligence breathes Patience.+++

Wah!!!

Alarmed! One of my classmates just confessed that she guessed who my crush is! Rarr..

It's one of my friends' fault! If she hasn't just played with that stupid camera last christmas party, she won't have guessed. I swear... the next time I'll have a crush or a secret, I would carefully choose the friends whom I'll trust. From now on, there's no way more people could have access to my secret agendas on blogs or elsewhere. I'm even thinking of creating a new blog account for college. Well, that depends if the swell of emotions I feel now would subside before I make the decision.

Friends.

Crush.

Myself.

Err..

Ok. So this stupid crushing syndrome I'm into - I wish this would end right at this very moment. I'm soooo sick of it. I'd like to leave this behind within the premises of our dear high school alma mater and I would like to officially end this emotion... if only it'd be that easy. Hearts are rather more difficult to tame than minds. [sigh]

Trivial stuffs indeed. I wish there were more serious thoughts or challenges to deal with. I'm super bored.Anyway, I just have to be thankful that my problems are SOOo minute compared to that of others. Hmp. Well.

Right now, I have made up my mind on the things I want to focus on:

My pre-graduation endeavors such as:

_writing graduation letters.
_buying a dress for the grad ball.
_have my grad pix recopied.
_visit a sick classmate of mine.
_others related.

My post graduation endeavors which:

*outings
*swimmings
*get-togethers
*sheer enjoyment of the bliss of being freed from quesci.

Summer Hype activities:

+UP Medical/subject pre-enlistment/enrollment
+'training' on accounting basics
+summer job if available
+church activities e.g. summer blast and re/starting new ministries e.g. youth choir

And others which include keeping this blog.

That's it for now.

Bye.

Quick impulse

!!!

I got it! I now realize why I'm in this trough of loneliness for a matter of time now.

i've got the answer from Joyce's Multiply account! It's her banner statement.

It says: Expecting is one way of hurting yourself.

I'm just gonna modify it: Too much expectation is an unconscious form of self-punishment.. hmmm.. I think I overdid it. Let me try again... Too much expectation is one way of hurting yourself. That'd do I guess.

And for now, I think, you can read between the lines.

Til next time.
Au revoir.

My heart says: "Let it go.."

Hopeless romantic. That's how one tickle test result described me. Romantic. Yes. Hopeless. Indeed. Am one of the many unattractive girls who dream of a fairytale love story but eventually find themselves wallowing in self-pity after realizing that fairy tales don't really happen and Prince Charming doesn't really exist.

Oh, what a t-r-a-g-e-d-y.

I knew it. This is how the story would go. Nothing exciting would really happen when it comes to my "love" story. Maybe I'm not such an interesting person after all.

But what do I really expect to happen? Fish some Mr. Right out there? Wait to bump on his back on a very unlikely place like the MRT for example? Sheer desperation?..

Nah.

This is the main reason why I hate being a teenager. I object being governed by my emotions. But what do I do? How do I get rid of the only thing I have - feelings for that matter?

In my Multiply blog, it was not just once that i've mentioned my detest for "emotional hardcore/emo's". They're pointless for me. But what am I doing now? Isn't it a sign of me nearing -emoness-??

Oh wait. I have to hold on to my seat before I fall off completely. Where are my principles? I miss them. They've abandoned my loneliness and wandered off somewhere. Oh gosh, I'm totally washed off my being.

Oh emoness+emotions.. LEAVE ME ALONE!

I don't want to be like this. I'm in a somewhat state of drug addiction. I desperately need some rehabilitation. Where am I going to find myself again. I'm infested with this stupid crushing syndrome... the heck!

No.. no.. you don't understand.. don't think that i'm ever overreacting, you've been a teenager also once in your life or maybe you are at this point in time. You might as well understand what I feel.

You know why I feel this way? Because we're roughly two weeks away from graduation. And the hardest of it all is the farewell/parting. I'm not duely bothered of saying goodbye to my close friends, I'll be seeing most of them in the university. Sure for some, I'll be having their contact info and still be in touch with them for some way or another... but him? What about him? Maybe our last meeting would be our graduation since my mom has been thinking twice recently about not letting me attend the gradball.

Oh such a bitter day that'd be!

I wish it'd never come.

Or I wish I'd never feel it come.

That's it for now.

P.S. By the way, our JS prom has been held at the manila hotel just last week.. I'll update with the other details some other time.

But you see it was an uneventful night.

__take care___ ^-^

Teen blues. *o*

Beat.
My heart.
For tomorrow..
there's no certainty..
whether you'll still beat
or you'll weep.

--watta CRAP.--
.^.^.^.^.^.^*

I want to do something worth my time.
Not like this - getting mad over someone who doesn't even care about my existence.

-why am i so emooo!-
-i hate being like this.
-i hate being NONSENSICAL.
-i hate feeling for my heart.

***zipp..zapp..***

i wish i were in a time warp zone, i wanna correct my past IF NOT-- zoom to the future.

i wish i could be a computer game character.

powered by the mind and will of my creator.
'coz
am so stupid left to myself.


***zipp..zapp..***

i wish i could be more useful.

i wish am not a teen anymore -- subject to frequent mood swings and weird bouts of "depression".

what's up with me?!


***zipp..zapp..***

why is it that.. when you're a teenager...

you love to sleep.. just sleep. [when computers and internet are most unavailable]

you love to dream and lure yourself into feeling that you're the 'best' person in the world --

and then suddenly you'll switch into thinking that you're the most pathetic being in the universe worthy of nothing but death.

you think about your crush all the time and expect to get "something" out of it when in fact it's pitifully a waste of time.

and why in spite of that,, you still do.. even if it takes you hours of idleness.

***zipp..zapp..***

my mind is a chain of random thoughts.

and each link is made of stainless stealth.

---pretty much senseless---


just ignore this entry.

odd areas: no villain

Hi!

I just wanna share a composition to you - probably one of the best I've so far made.

Reading this will give you an idea of the background of my own story 'cause it's based on that actually. This was a requirement during our third yr. English class and one of the few compositions in English I've kept with me.

here it goes:

The Best Love Story Never Told

I was already in my third year in High school when my own unexpected love story took place. I remember the exact scene - that vivid moment when my eyes caught hold of his comely countenance as he sat with his elbows on his knees, in a somewhat bent position, on one of the student's desks outside their classroom. He faced one of his classmates, smiling while talking. His appearance at that very moment hit me with such an impact that I felt like I was struck by lightning abruptly followed by thunder. In a twinkling of an eye, I've felt my surroundings were being transformed into Nirvana.

It was like love at first sight although it had not been the first time I saw him. In fact he is a former classmate of mine way back in first year. We used to belong in the same section but then we parted after a year. I had to move to a higher section while he remained "loyal" to that section.

Not even in second year did I notice that he could be so charming. I see him occasionally although we do not greet each other if it happens that we pass by each other at any place in the campus.

So there we are - two ordinary youths suddenly connected in a snap by this feeling of mine. This feeling (though a one-way sort) slowly crept into my innermost being, gushed into my senses and overwhelmed me.

I can't just get that sparkling moment out of my mind now. It is so clear. I remember it was before a class presentation. He looked so dashing in his simple white long sleeves and black pants. Oh, what a sight he was!

Nevertheless, he looks just as dashing tonight - though a little bit more striking. He is not wearing those white long sleeves anymore. Instead, he is wearing a black coat and tie. Facing him, is no other than me! We are dancing to the rhythm of a sweet tune. It's our prom night.

As I stare deep into his coal black eyes, I can't help but ask myself, "Is this all just a dream?"

His eyes look sincere and serious. In the midst of this romantic silence between us, my lips quivered to utter softly this question that continually plays in my mind now for a long time: "Is this all just a dream?"

"No, this is all but a dream," he answered. To this reply, my heart beat faster. Then, another question suddenly popped into my head. A question i've long been forcing myself to keep from asking him.

"Josh, why me?" I blurted out.

"What do you mean?" he answered, with a look of confusion on his face.

"Why me - of all the girls in the campus? Why did you ask me out when you can take your pick among a wide range of beauties and populars? Why me - " I wasn't able to continue what I was saying because he cut it short with his reply.

"Because I like you," he said. "You just don't know that I greatly admire you," he continued. "I just didn't have the guts to tell you all these earlier because I know your character. You're not the type of person who is open with these sort of ideas and so was I then," he confessed.

"Kring, kringg..." rang the school bell. I suddenly felt a hand shaking my shoulder.

"Hey Christine!" the voice said. "Wake up from your day dream," it said. It was my best friend Kyra's voice. "We're going to be late for our next class!" she uttered with panic in her voice. "Pass your story to Ms. Cruz now. Hurry!" she continued.

"Wait!" I cried. "I'm just going to add the title," I said. My pen then quickly scribbled the words: "The Best Love Story Never Told"

I guess it would just remain a dream after all. [sighs]

Sure, my name is not Christine and his name is obviously not Josh. But that's it. You've just had the background of my personal love story.

Wanna have a clue on our real identities? Well, scroll up and look at the title of this post. If you're smart enough to rearrange the letters(without the colon of course), then you'll decipher our names hidden in the code.

Go ahead. Try it! ^_^

God bless!

Grades issues. Crap.

Hi!

Great day isn't it.

Great in a sense that there are no classes tomorrow! Yehey!

I in effect, would be staying up late, as is my custom during free nights.
Ironic. 'Cause when it's a night supposed to be encumbered w/ lots of school works, that's when, you'll find me in bed, early on around 9pm.

That's why, my grades are in constant TOPSY TURVY sort nowadays.
They've gone wild, while I go insane.

Our Class ranking and averages were released just this Thursday, and I'm thoroughly swept from the upper bound of the class where i used to reign with the "Big" people. But now, am no longer am.

I was initially saddened but my heart was immediately revived.

I'm just glad that I am no longer a freak for grades.

I'm happier by the millions.

Maybe I was just looking for an excuse for my "dethronation"

BUT

as the song in my playlist says, "It's gonna be me"

If I am justifying anything - in relation to my present class standing...
well, that's because it's undeniably justifiable.

I can justify it - both ends and means.

I never joined any alliance - frankly cheaters - for any win, in any aspect - of my stay in Quesci. That's what I'm truly proud of.

As the preaching said this morning,
the real victory does not lie in wealth, medals, or applause of men,
it is in knowing and understanding the will of God.
And if that's the REAL victory, then that's what I'm gonna pursue. ",

GRADES are FUTILE and SENSELESS.
It's not a fair battle after all,
I chose to take a break, not to be defeated, not to withdraw, but to gather more strength for ones more worthwhile.

I smell a better day ahead.

<3 V-day..

sick.

You must have expected that I'll be writing something for a valentine treat today.
Actually, nothing significant happened to me with regards to the issues of the hearts.
I am, in its most literal and satirical sense - SICK. I do have colds today due to an epidemia in the classroom from which I was not exempt. I spent much of my hours [and would rather do so] sleeping at the clinic.

flashback.

My crush, is actually a classmate of mine. Like me, he's also reserved and I only have the slightest idea of what type of girl attracts him. We're not in any way close because, he has his own string of guy friends and prefers to hang out with them around the campus. I also have my own band. That's why, it really feels awkward to move just an inch closer to him.

He is a popular crush among the girls of the batch and I really wonder why I fell into his spell. He did nothing to attract me. Just his natural presence mesmerizes me. I don't know but it's really a weird feeling to have him around.

conclusion.

I'm a bit sentimental today, since I was somewhat anticipating something surprising to happen today. This Valentines turned out to be just an ordinary [even gloomy because of my severe colds.] I don't know if he even cares about my presence in the classroom.

My only consolation is the knowledge that he has never returned the attention/compassion of those gals who almost worship him. Not within our campus grounds at least. I hope not to witness it if it happens one of these days [except of course if the gal aforementioned would be me].. :P

-entry ends here- gotta sleep now-

`still water runs deep ++

Hi! It's me once again!

Well, who do you expect it must be in the first place? Shheezz... watta nonsense.

Oh.. wait a minute, I haven't even introduced myself to you yet. But actually...I had it on purpose. I don't intend to blurt out my identity here. Not with all the messy revelations I'm displaying on this blog at least. I'm not ready yet. I plan to have this blog as my online diary and if I can't conceal it
from the eyes of possible page browsers - that is you - as you happen to read this now... I'd have the nerve enough to keep my identity from public knowledge.

As for now, three things are irrevocably true...

I am a teenager - 16.
I am a Filipina.
I am a christian - in its most precise definition.

You'll get to know me anyway if you stick into
reading my entries - that is - if you don't find yourself being

bored
to
death.

In the first place, I don't intend to share this diary to
you... I created this for myself - as a diversion, as a journal of events, as an outlet of my thoughts and as a masterpiece of my emotions. Moreover, I would like to enhance my writing skills and practice my english since they're two essential abilities I have to enrich as a student.

Upon your discovery here, you've found the key that'll unlock my world of dreams mingled with truths. One aphorism says that "Thoughts disentangle themselves when they pass through your fingertips." Another says "Still water runs deep." As you penetrate my thoughts in form of tangled words, I welcome you to my own call of journey named life.

"Step into my
silent realm and unveil
my much deeper worth."

-Have a blessed day!-

hearts and signs <3

It's February and I'm totally insane with the idea of love and crushes!

It's awkward for two things: first, I'm not known for being expressive of my emotions towards the opposite sex; second, I'm not making this aspect of my life a priority - not now or ever. For me, crushes are mere accessories.

BUT.. why am I saying these things... and why do I have to create a blog like this?

Two reasons: first, it's normal for teenagers to have crushes, regardless of how reserved they are...[just like me]; second- i need an outlet for my emotions. Besides, i realize that this unique experience of crushing on a certain person comes only once in a lifetime [at least normally] and most of them are really worth cherishing. Why? Well that's at least for the person who contains the emotions. If you're crushing, you notice even the slightest gesture of your crush... and you treasure even the smallest detail of his personality. Indeed, it's a sweet part of being human.

I don't know if you'll be actually interested in my stories here. It's like putting in my own love life into broadcast. But I warn you as early as now, my ideas depend on my mood, generally. I don't know if I'd be able to maintain writing about my feelings... especially that I'm not that spontaneous.

Don't worry. Even though that'd be the main theme of my blog, you'll be assured that I'd still insert some other worthwhile items here from the other corners of my life.

***

I have something to share to you for a kick-off.

I was walking by a certain street this morning,
when I passed by an enterprising chain,
whose name sign read a certain date,
and I was really shocked of what I saw...
It bore the birthdate of my crush!

I then turned right towards a corner,
and guess what the name of the street read.
Capricorn! And that's me!

Walking further along the road,
I spotted an art/design shop,
whose name sign, simply read...
SIGNS.

Whew!

I think it's a little bit corny.. and can just be a series of mere coincidences,, but I tell you they are not usual for me. It's not an everyday thing to encounter those sorts of stuff. I secretly anticipate something connected w/ this experience.

There you go.. you just had a taste of what to expect from my blog. It's up to you to linger or to exit.

Happy hearts' month!

Itchy beginnings.

i'm totally new - trying to dash out a new blog. [waw. as if i could maintain this neatly.] anyway, it's a nice try after all. i'll just see you soon when i'm sure that everything's swept and clean enough, for you to have rooms to roam around. thanks for dropping by. :]